Depressed

After clearing some backlog of blog entries, now coming back to present. My life seems so empty now that Dear dear went on a trip of 4 mths with another girl. -.-

I guessed with another girl kind of puts a sting in my heart, but the main thing is that I missed him badly ba. How to sleep peacefully when each time I sleep I dream of him missing me only to wake up and realised it was all a dream lei? It seems almost a century long since we last communicated. It isn't that much of a worry since I received sms from him when he safely reached Doha and New York.

It seems and feels like a void in our relationship - a 4-months void in a 7-going-to-be-8-years of relationship. Faith in you doesn't cure me of my heartache when I missed you each time and you weren't there. Maybe this is just the start of our separation, my thoughts are just running wild.

How it feels when each time I want to spend more time with you, that girl simply interrupted. How it feels when each time I talking to you halfway and you were pulled away by her mother to do something else or to say something else. Those are simply frustrating moments that made me regret why did I even come and send you off. When you told your friends I was contradicting myself - wanting you to go and not wanting you to go as well, how true. I want you to go because I know you have been working so hard and looking forward to an experience of school life in another culture, another country. You are really joyful when they approved your visa despite the mistake in it, that you need not defer your flight and waste your hotel fees too. I don't want you to go because I know I will miss you badly, but that is selfish isn't it? To cling on to you, knowing that you will have a regret in your life not to be able to do this thing which you so wanted to do. I don't want you to go, wishing we will have more time together. There are so many things which we have yet to do, so many places we have yet to go together.

I thought we will have a nice farewell before you go into the departure hall. I thought you will have words to tell me just before you leave. Ended up you were hurried into the departure hall by that girl and her mother and I only have enough time to stuff another sweet into your mouth. :( By the way when you go in, you never even look back at me, just looking at the other girl. How much you just want to go America is apparent. There wasn't even a moment of hesitation. You can say I was childish, jealous, overpossessive. What I want to do back then, to erase them both away, whether using liquid paper or eraser or even gimp, to use Sankon Tessou (Inuyasha) to rip them to shreds so that at least we can have quiet moments of our own. Then again, if the girl is absent, you'd be travelling on your own. That would be lonely. I don't wish to be like Sosuke (Last Friends) to go and beat up other people just because I am simply jealous. I stood away from you all when you were checking in your luggage. The girl, her mother and her friends were simply crowding around you. I was clearly upset that you never even notice my absence around but you also never realise.

What for pull me closer to you? When I just stood there like a vase, no space for me to talk to you or anything. I was simply hoping you'd faster settle and leave them far away. Never did I realised your Visa had problems. I felt your fear that you cannot board the plane as you wished but I cannot fear any sadness in you of leaving me behind. You bought webcams so that we can stay connected, but until now there was no sign of you. It should be night time there. Am I forgotten?