38 mins past the time you promised

A song which you sent me the lyrics long ago, during a time when we were both upset.

Current feelings

The paragraph of the song said it all. How to get used to life of a single when I have been attached for so long? Though was not like we broke up or what, the mere thought of us being so far apart in time and space generated all these emotions and thoughts described in the song.

We have really been through so many happy and sad moments. Many a time, without me having speak what is on my mind, you would have know what I was thinking - that was really a close bond we shared after about 6yrs 9mths of hard work. The video (not done by me) has the lyrics meanings translated in English, so hope you will enjoy watching.

Days without Dom

The day that immediately followed after Dom's departure wasn't well. I used to think I was strong enough to let him go pursue his dreams. After all, the main role of the other half should be to provide support and love to push you to achieve and to cushion your falls. Yet I feel that I failed in that. On the surface, I tried so hard to want him go enjoy his trip, his experience of a lifetime. Deep inside, I was upset about his trip with another girl only.

The first day I suffered depression. The second day was better after Dom tried so hard to find a cybercafe to explain the situation over his side. The third day which is today, I broke down again just from a mere photo of him being so close to the other gal, which he claimed they were not close.
I was upset from the fact that that photo showed nothing except their faces seemingly sticking to each other. I was upset that this was often our most intimate shot together, and he did the same with another girl. That felt like our pictures were not special anymore. I sensed no difference, but Dom told me the difference was that he loved me, but he do not love the girl. Should I be happier after hearing that? When you do not love her, yet still can do such an intimate shot, be it the girl using her camera to take the picture, you allowed her to do so as well.

The picture was later taken down, but the damage was done. The heartache was there. The argument he defended himself was I was physically close but not mentally close to her. Sigh~ I felt like I was tearing myself apart, with two personalities fighting inside me - one telling me just open one eye, close one eye, let him do what he felt right, the other one was like my boyfriend wasn't even considering my feelings when the photo was taken. His friend defended that he felt obliged to the girl to take that photo when she was his traveling mate, but really what obligations does my boyfriend owe her? I know I was easily jealous and still is, but I tried to control my negative feelings by distancing myself. I don't wish to add additional stress or pressure to your already stressed period overseas, what should I do? The time zone difference also meant that while I can be still upset, it was time for you to sleep. While I upset till I cannot sleep, you will be busy till cannot entertain me at all. Sigh~ so much for understanding.

Forgiving and moving on, I played badminton with his friends in the late afternoon. The court beside my house was too windy and so we moved to another court. At first it was the glaring Sun made it difficult to spot the shuttlecock. After when we played for a while, one racket's strings torn and Jon put on the cover and continued playing despite strong air resistance. Some time later, a group of kids asked to join in the game. I have only 4 rackets (2 good ones and 2 lousier ones, incl the chui one), Dom's friends came so far just to play badminton so was not very nice to ask them let the kids play. The kids asked like three to four times whether they can join in to play. I was hesitating because of previous experience (table tennis session same thing happened and not very pleasant), and because of the mindset that one must learn to share and that it was better to brighten someone's day than to spoil it. I gave up the good racket I am holding, thus the kid joined in. They were even passing my racket around, pushing who should go first when the friends were waiting for them to continue the game.

Anyway, the kids do not really know how to play but yet they tried their best to enjoy the game. Dom's friends also went very easy with them, kind of defeat our purpose of exercising but then, they are just kids, so we should be good examples to teach them to share?

The game continued for a very long time, we were taking more turns to rotate than the kids. One simply played very long and the rest watched on. Even when someone hurried the kid to go off for some activity, the kid refused to leave the game. Eventually after a lot of persuasion then that kid passed on my racket to the next kid. The vicious cycle continued. Eventually, the kids made us passed three rackets to them. The only friend in there playing was not even getting much shots since they were like playing among themselves. All their moves were not very correct and when I tried to correct them, they just said "forget" and preservered their stubborn ways. One even tried to teach me, I was like "he is just a kid". For one thing, I never tried hitting many times despite the fact that I can reach the shuttle cock was because he was in the way and I was scared of hitting him. He blocked me from hitting and keep missing too, quite frustrating. I guessed my limit was reached when I told them a number of times not to scratch the racket on the floor and they still do, saying that was how they treated their own rackets. They were holding the good rackets (both of them). They despised the lousier ones and did not know how to treasure other people's items. What can I say? Kids... can I have the rackets back? My friends wanted to play too. One was like so relieved "Ah I was feeling very tired." I was thinking then why did you not give up your racket? The other was like "Why I have to give up kind?", giving me that very reluctant look. We ended the game then and returned to my house to play Uno stacko. :D Much happier I supposed. Haha, Zong keep crashing the tower of blocks.

We had dinner at the marketplace after I checked if my Dear dear Dom went online. He was still sleeping, so we left for dinner. A day just went by, one less day to seeing Dom again?

Depressed

After clearing some backlog of blog entries, now coming back to present. My life seems so empty now that Dear dear went on a trip of 4 mths with another girl. -.-

I guessed with another girl kind of puts a sting in my heart, but the main thing is that I missed him badly ba. How to sleep peacefully when each time I sleep I dream of him missing me only to wake up and realised it was all a dream lei? It seems almost a century long since we last communicated. It isn't that much of a worry since I received sms from him when he safely reached Doha and New York.

It seems and feels like a void in our relationship - a 4-months void in a 7-going-to-be-8-years of relationship. Faith in you doesn't cure me of my heartache when I missed you each time and you weren't there. Maybe this is just the start of our separation, my thoughts are just running wild.

How it feels when each time I want to spend more time with you, that girl simply interrupted. How it feels when each time I talking to you halfway and you were pulled away by her mother to do something else or to say something else. Those are simply frustrating moments that made me regret why did I even come and send you off. When you told your friends I was contradicting myself - wanting you to go and not wanting you to go as well, how true. I want you to go because I know you have been working so hard and looking forward to an experience of school life in another culture, another country. You are really joyful when they approved your visa despite the mistake in it, that you need not defer your flight and waste your hotel fees too. I don't want you to go because I know I will miss you badly, but that is selfish isn't it? To cling on to you, knowing that you will have a regret in your life not to be able to do this thing which you so wanted to do. I don't want you to go, wishing we will have more time together. There are so many things which we have yet to do, so many places we have yet to go together.

I thought we will have a nice farewell before you go into the departure hall. I thought you will have words to tell me just before you leave. Ended up you were hurried into the departure hall by that girl and her mother and I only have enough time to stuff another sweet into your mouth. :( By the way when you go in, you never even look back at me, just looking at the other girl. How much you just want to go America is apparent. There wasn't even a moment of hesitation. You can say I was childish, jealous, overpossessive. What I want to do back then, to erase them both away, whether using liquid paper or eraser or even gimp, to use Sankon Tessou (Inuyasha) to rip them to shreds so that at least we can have quiet moments of our own. Then again, if the girl is absent, you'd be travelling on your own. That would be lonely. I don't wish to be like Sosuke (Last Friends) to go and beat up other people just because I am simply jealous. I stood away from you all when you were checking in your luggage. The girl, her mother and her friends were simply crowding around you. I was clearly upset that you never even notice my absence around but you also never realise.

What for pull me closer to you? When I just stood there like a vase, no space for me to talk to you or anything. I was simply hoping you'd faster settle and leave them far away. Never did I realised your Visa had problems. I felt your fear that you cannot board the plane as you wished but I cannot fear any sadness in you of leaving me behind. You bought webcams so that we can stay connected, but until now there was no sign of you. It should be night time there. Am I forgotten?

口试的回忆以及感想

不知不觉地回忆起以往的口试，不论是英文或华文，口试对我而言都算是美好的经验。

小学时的口试已经模糊了，只依稀记得当时的英文口试有看图作题。那种图画里的每个角落都要形容，都要做出一些观察让我既兴奋，又怯偎。兴奋的是可以发挥一些创意的联想，畏怯的是创意被局限在一张图画里，不能离题。倘若那张图画说得不够多，老师出题发问时，我就会变得很紧张。偏偏也不知道是学生说不够，还是老师觉得应该要尽考官的责任，似乎每次都会问我问题，搞得我的心七上八下。我在家都用华语沟通，所以华文口试并不太担心，混水摸鱼就混过去了。

中学时口试依然伴随着，格式却比较自在，变成和考官聊话题。中三的华文口试出的话题，若我没记错，是动物虐待。那算是我幸运的一天吗？一听到是我有兴趣的题目，我立刻劈里啪啦地把我所看过的报章报道拿来讨论。考官们的表情也随着变动，挺有趣的。 当然我的心情是雀跃万分的，口试顺利考个distinction。 至于中四的英文口试，话题围绕的是宠物，我的好运持续着。 考官一问：“你喜欢动物吗？”我的双眼立即发出万丈光芒。。。 。。。 口试又顺利过关了。

初级学院也有口试，这次的话题却让我有点措手不及。考官问我关于现代学生穿校服不整齐有何看法，还不时瞄我的校服。他们问起为何学生不爱把上衣整齐地塞进裙子或裤子时，又往桌子底下瞄我的校服穿着，真令我汗颜。当我回答为了舒服和遮丑时，他们似乎感到意外和好笑。当我进一步讲解为了遮盖肚南，其中一位考官竟大笑出来，令我感到有点难堪。不过，成绩揭晓是distinction时，心情好多了。

这些是我考口试的感想，希望准备考口试的，或曾经考口试的人们也有美好的口试回忆。：）

A night out at Geylang with friends

We started off with Geylang claypot rice at 6pm. The claypot rice was not bad, but somehow it did not trigger the feelings I had when I ate claypot rice for the first time at Chinatown. Perhaps it was due to the short waiting time, or maybe the atmosphere? In any case, this claypot rice was more expensive than that at Chinatown, cost about $8 plus per person, including drinks.

The guys really had monstrous appetite, the claypot rice was unable to fulfill their hunger and hence the journey continued.



The next stop was Yonghe eating house. Jon had you tiao and cold soybean milk, whereas the other two guys ( Jia Hao and my Dear dear ) had 酥饼 or toasted bun which they displayed. My Dear dear thought the toasted bun was like those which accompanied chilli crab, apparently it was not. I was still full from the claypot rice and hence did not order anything.

The menu itself was funny in a sense, it showed "cold soybean milk" below that another item was "sweet soybean milk", making us wondered if the cold was sweet as well. It turned out to be sweet.

Since the guys still wanted to eat some more food, the journey continued.



The last stop was Mongkok Dimsum. We took a long time in ordering our food and the waiter came and asked for our orders three times. When we finally decided what we wanted to order, it was hard to get the waiter to come and take the order :p.
The tri-coloured latte tea with palm sugar tasted great, super thick and fragrant. The shrimp dumplings were nice too, the shrimps inside were big and fresh. The scallop dumplings tasted average, not very impressive in my opinion and my Dear dear found the taste of spring onion to be overpowering. He don't like spring onion by the way. The fried dumplings were not bad, although I preferred 冯记 ones.
A picture of the menu with the respective prices for the dishes was taken for future reference.



The end of a long trip, with all the guys being full at last.

Sidetrack:

Along the way, we saw many people selling contraband cigarettes. I wondered how come the police never take any action and also how the cigarettes managed to pass the customs. The situation was quite bad that there were people holding plastic bags with the cigarettes inside at almost every even number street and at Geylang lor 14, there were times those 'hawkers' went out to the road to solicit the motorists.

Getting greedy

One day when my mom returned from the Popular book fair held at Singapore Expo, she was holding the "i-weekly magazine". I was about to "kop" her magazine when she said she wanted to read it and asked me to read the travel magazines she purchased instead.

I always thought that I only wanted to visit Nara of Japan due to the deer park that Sensei introduced in class... Now that I have read the magazines, I also wished to visit Yosemite National Park in California as well... the place is so beautiful, like those of a fairyland.

Here are some pictures of Yosemite which I saw online that further tempted me into wanting to go to that place:


I also wanted to go Tahiti after reading about the activities one can do there, such as feeding the stingrays and sharks. The scenery is also very beautiful, giving an impression of a carefree paradise. Here are the pictures I found online:




















I am really greedy.

Kamisama mou sukoshi dake

My review after watching the show twice, one incomplete (watched 1 episode only) during sec school then and a complete one yesterday and today.

The first time I watched the show through television, that one episode, the one in which Masaki (Fukada Kyoko) is making the speech in the hall, inspired me to research on AIDS and wrote a composition on that to submit as holiday homework.

At that time, I tried to put myself in the shoes of a HIV patient and tried to construct the mindset of one. Now looking back, I guess the mentality is still far off from actually being the sufferer. Now that I got the chance to re-watch the whole show on the computer, I realized that although what I wrote then may be too happy (or simple in a sense), the whole show was too dramatically sad. Well, at least that is what I feel.

While watching it this time, I opened up another window for AIDS information to refresh my memory. I guessed I was being sadistic, trying to picture how Masaki will die from AIDS since there are many ways one can die from AIDS. The story in my opinion, gave more details regarding the emotional aspect and neglected about the disease aspect.

This is about AIDS, which is unique, like how spinocerebellar degeneration is unique in "One litre of tears". I just thought that the show could have paid more attention to the details surrounding that disease as well. The impression was that the producers were trying hard to create a beautiful picture, hence only headache and dizziness were captured. There wasn't diarrhea, vomit or spasm captured or even mentioned. How to convince the audience about the physical suffering of the patient? Using words like meningitis is simply not enough, and they never even explain much about what is that.

The show started out well even though the plot was unbelievable at times, but it gave way to exaggerations and the characters got increasingly irritating with lots of conflicts and contradicting moves. At times I really feel like strangling Masaki, showing selfishness and consideration at inappropriate times. Kaoru (in this show) as well as the parents of Masaki were irritating most of the time. Their reactions seemed just to lengthen the show. Incredibly, Keigo (Takeshi Kaneshiro) seems healthier than Masaki even though he smoked dozens of cigarettes in almost every episode and Masaki did not get infected with opportunistic virus and bacteria by kissing him and being a 2nd-hand smoker.

The female doctor's acting was superbly lousy. She came across as robotic, without emotions in her words and expressionless without empathy.

Come to think of it, "I love you with my body and soul." seemed super fake when Masaki slept with 2 other guys before Keigo and still can say such a thing to him.

To add on, Keigo seemed shocked to hear that he may get HIV and still sleep with, the now confirmed HIV positive, Masaki again. Yet, he never get HIV... wow, maybe he is immune to that strain, but the baby as well? So miraculous.

The last scene where Masaki was dead was super funny. I was like wondering if she lied down on the floor, spread her wedding gown nicely then prepare to die. Isn't it weird that a moment she was hugging the baby and the next moment baby was so far from her? I thought babies tend to cling to the mother even when they are curious to explore.

A disappointment indeed, though few emotional parts were carried well, the story wasn't convincing and I never tear at all. Maybe if one never watch 1 litre of tears, this can appear appealing and good work but after watching that drama then this, this cannot make it and even if the theme was good, the plot wasn't strong.

Haha, if my dear dear is Keigo, after labor and the baby cried non-stop that scene...

Masaki: "Why is the baby still crying non-stop? The situation never improve, what if the baby was infected with HIV? What if I passed the HIV to her?"
Keigo:"See la, ask you not to give birth liao, you still want... now complained to me for what?! It is not as though I never warn you like that."
Masaki:"Will the child grow up to have heartache and I have passed away and not by her side?"
Keigo:"Why didn't you consider that then lei? Now then think a bit too late..."

The mysteries behind a computer that keeps me pondering

Everyday, every time I switch on the computer, I am wondering how on earth did software come about? What is the link between software and hardware of a computer? How does the computer language, the codes or instructions transform themselves into signals or energy that make something lifeless as hardwares understand and perform as instructed? It is like writing words (commands) on a petal of a rose like "drop your petals one by one, dropping right side means he love me and dropping left side means he love me not" and expect the stalk of rose to perform as instructed.

I know that unlike rose's petals, the hardware of a computer consists of circuits which conducts electricity, but how do the codes transform themselves from instructions (maybe signals? No idea) to an action (like getting a graphic, making the cathodes shoot out in certain design to get a picture on the screen)?

To add on, when you write a program, you used a programming software to write that program, so how does the people write the most basic programming software, the original one used to create other programs?

If programming software language C is written with programming software language B, does it mean that one can use B and decompile C?

How does the computer differentiates between the storage of executional files and documents?

Some stuff which I heard long ago

There will be three people you will meet in your life:
The 1st is someone whom you like but he/she doesn't reciprocate the feelings.
The 2nd is someone who like you but you never reciprocate the feelings.
The 3rd is someone whom you like but not as much as 1st one, he/she who likes you but not as much as the 2nd one, but yet will be together due to the right timing.

Come to think of it, when one ponders back, the 1st and 2nd persons may become blurry and you may even wonder are they (the persons that come to your mind) the 1st or 2nd?

Shyness is a double-edged sword which I came to realize it more or less only when I looked back in time. A guy whom I liked and yet dare not express myself only until the chance slipped by then come to regret, but at the same time, due to shyness, maybe I kinda protected myself from getting hurt from being rejected.

When I wrote that someone into my diary, he seemed to stuck in my mind from then, plus the photo taken when young, the image stuck was an image of his childhood looks. Can't be easily erased lei, dunno how? Even when I don't get to see him anymore since Sec 1 I think.

As for my 2nd plus 3rd, I think is together ba, eh... er... not to say I liked him less but since is ongoing relationship, not much room to compare. Is like only when you knew you don't seem to have any more chance of seeing the person again, then the feelings accumulates and flood you at one shot... so dear, don't upset yeh if you happened to be reading this post. Well, at least you appeared in the right time.

Before I can even buy T650...

The horribly high price doesn't drop and there are so many not so good reviews regarding the phone going on, like the paint easily come off, the phone heats up suddenly etc.

Now then I regret why didn't I buy the K810i when it was selling at $148 sigh...

And now the combination of K810i and T650 arrives... known as K770, aiyo so confused now.
Furthermore as a new phone the price is quite good being on par with an old good phone known as k800i ( Singtel pricing ).

However, the cam is not as good as K810i, hmmm so should I go for good design but not-so-good cam or should I go for not-so-good design but better cam? Consider both prices about the same and my dear have k800i which the cam module is similar to k810... sigh...

My sweet dear dear

Yesterday, I went to my dear's dorm again. Stayed till 9 plus pm and we went to Mac to eat dinner. I merely asked for a fillet-o-fish burger, but my sweet dear dear gave me a pleasant surprise by up sizing his meal and buying the fresh apple with caramel so that I can share. He said I eat too little so order more, scared I won't be full. So sweet of him. :)

Before that he also suggested giving me money to take cab home since it was quite late and he worried, but I kindly refused since don't really wish him to spend so much on transport when I can just take bus. I appreciate the thought though, very nice of him. :)

the Phone I'm aiming to get... still not available yet.

Tada... the SE T650, although I really had no idea about its price range, but it looks nice and functions are attractive as well. :)

More information about the phone:

specifications
review
With credits from www.gsmarena.com

Irony that is thought provoking.

After seeing this image on the newspaper or magazine and the short description about it made me think about the huge irony behind.

It was said that the photographer after taking this photo left in a hurry, without checking if the child manages to reach the feeding station 100m away.
He won a prize with this photo, yet 4 months after taking this photo, he committed suicide from depression.

Come to think about it, this child took so much effort trying to crawl to the camp, even with the vulture behind thinking of consuming her, never did she just laid there and give up. She just want to live so badly, and the feeding station is like her only hope. The photographer, in contrast, never lend a helping hand by carrying her an extra 100m..., never provide any food or water... and the worst of all, never think twice about taking his own life, something in which the child treasures so much and not given a chance (I personally don't think she did survive with the vulture so close and help so far).

Should one just let nature take its course? Should one learn from Angelina Jolie to offer a helping hand by chasing the vulture away and bringing the child to the salvation camp (Beyond Borders)? How many can you help? While you help one, a few thousands more die. While you help the child, the vulture starved. Even if you helped, she may not even survive the ordeal. Faced with this kind of situation, what should one do? Even if you chose to walked away, why do you feel guilty? The child will soon be relieved from her suffering, and you lived with the lesson of treasuring what you have in comparison. Don't give up when you have a chance, especially when someone tried so hard and yet she cannot achieved.

The picture is extracted from: www.abc.net.au/southwestwa/stories/s1178715.htm

My Crushes.... :D

Today while flipping my photo album at home, I realised I can still remember most of my primary school friends but very few secondary school classmates names remain in my mind.

Now thinking back, my primary school life seemed more wonderful with just 2 crushes along the path. One I did admit openly, another, well, I also cannot really remember much about him except that he very messy, I bullied him (now still feeling guilty) and we never talk to each other since Pri 3.
There seemed to be a blur impression that we were once good friends in pre year class and Pri 1 but that remained an uncertainty since I cannot remember much any more. I think I felt more confident in studies in primary school.

Secondary school is more crushes and well more fickle minded? Liking 2 guys at one time but remain as crushes. Sigh... I guessed I am quite full of emotions then... maybe overflowing? ;-)
Altogether should be crushes on 4 guys in this period but very brief short crushes, yea. I also won't reveal their identity but it should be quite easily guessable. (Haha)

JC no more crush lo... go into relationship is the grave of crushes... erm but well before maybe still have well 2 to 3 more crushes? Heh heh :-P Me really very hua xin sia....
Good thing is the relationship is solid until now and continues to be solid I hope... (even after he read this) and I feel that I am lucky and fated to be with my dear now.


End of my outburst of emotions (xin qing shu fa).

I almost died in a traffic accident just now!!!

As I was jay-walking, there was a path for me to stop before crossing the one lane road. I stopped to wait for the cars to pass (quite a heavy flow of cars) and then a van stopped in front of me, the men inside signaling me to pass (that kinda give way for you to walk) and fearing that they might caused a jam by stopping halfway like that, I walked.

Never did I realised that a motorcyclist does not think the same or get the hint to stop, he went beside the van and I couldn't see him until he almost knocked into me. Luckily I backed away just in time and suffer no injuries.

The motorcyclist seems worried as well as pissed... and he stopped at the road side to check if I'm okay. I felt very apologetic actually because even if I escaped uninjured, the motorist may injured himself trying to avoid hitting me.

So let me make a note to myself, next time don't ever cross the road until it is clear and not cross because others let me cross, they want me go and die, how?
So scary this incident I must say, it was a miss by a few seconds. Sigh... at least the motorist and I were not injured, phew. I am at fault in this case.

The weather is going haywire.

Look at the picture to your left. Very bad sign, looks like gonna have a thunderstorm... but no drop of rain at all, even though it is very cold and windy. Weird.

Today, weather seems fine and hence I never bring an umbrella out. While returning home from school, it rained and is funny because the Sun is so super scorching and yet still have raindrops on me. To add on, it is not drizzle but normal dose of rain.

What is happening to our weather?????!!! Scary.

Feeling Kinda stressed?

Due to some problems with my exams registration, I have been busy and feeling down for some time. From the beginning bearing so much hopes in taking 4 papers, the excitement about the challenge, to now, hopes dashed when I realized that I can only take up to 3 papers for taking computer-based exams due to an uninformed policy.
Actions have been taken but I never get what I initially started out to get, even though I'm being compensated.

Furthermore, I discovered another hole in one of my tooth, even small, it's worrying. Very sad, have to wait a month to see the dentist which I hoped my situation does not worsen.

My Japanese lessons as well... paid the course fees, turned up as emailed and find not a single soul in the room. Quite embarrassing asking around and getting answers like " Did you get the wrong day?" and "Not sure." and when I returned home to double check the email, there was no error on my part... hmmm now waiting for reply...

My hard and dark period will be over soon... I wished.

Many Many GOOD news

Hey, new year has just arrived and I have plenty of good news. Firstly, I had a lot of new stuff like new sofa, new coffee table, new pajamas, new clothes, new shoes, new monitor, new keyboard, new computer mouse shaped like a squid, new eternet wires and bf passed me his older CPU plus web cam plus USB extender so a new com!! Also, I received the news that I passed my ACCA level 1. YAY!!! :-D

Wanna thanks all my friends who study hard with me and congrats to them too for getting good results. Very happy new year with so much "reaping"? Dunno how to phrase in English la... shou1 huo4 in Chinese.

my 21 birthday

Yo... here are some of the picts I got from Huiqing.
Mine developed lo, but no digital forms yet cause I can't find the connecting plug, so sorry. Thanks for the jigsaw, I completed le wo... just that cant show photo due to above reason. Never invite many people because of the size of the chalet very small but cheap as well. Although a few did not turn up last minute, I still enjoyed due to those who came. Thanks a lot.
The funny part was that I don't have ear holes because I am too scared of ear hole infection and pain, yet a few friends sent me ear rings. :p I don't think I can wear for now, maybe 6, 7 years down the road I may reconsider... so late lo, I will stop here.